Dave’s Wagon

The Wagon Newswire

As cross-border violence between Israeli Defense Forces and Hezbollah continues to erupt and Lebanese civilian casualties mount, a sharp increase in worldwide anti-Israeli demonstrations has those on Wall Street worrying.

Enraged protesters taking to the streets to burn in effigy the symbols of world powers are increasing reaching not for the old standby, the American flag, but for the flag of Israel.

Mark Johansen, the head of a major U.S. firm that tracks international trends, watched such a flag burning on television.

“It’s absolutely sickening,” Johansen said as he viewed the footage. “That used to be an American product out there, but not anymore. If you listen to the maniacal chants coming from those rampaging mobs, what are they saying now? They’re saying ‘Death to Israel!’ first, ‘Death to America!’ second. To them, the U.S. is no longer number one.”

For decades, the American flag has been a fixture of the international protest scene. Demonstrations against major military actions, cultural imperialism, and the rising cost of flammable accelerants have all been cause to see the iconic “Star Spangled Banner” lit aflame. As exhibitionist demonstrators poured into the streets to burn the flag, so too did profits pour into the coffers of American flag makers. A new market had emerged.

“America is not a nation that gives in to demands,” said Bill Aldridge, head of marketing for one of the leading U.S. flag producers, “but when protesters demand a better flag to burn, how can we not help but ablidge? The customer is always right, even when they’re radically Left.”

When clients of Aldridge raised issue with the difficulty of setting fire to normal display flags, a version of the “Stars and Stripes” soaked in a diluted kerosene mixture was introduced. After complaints were heard that the new fast-burning mixture made staged photo shoots difficult, a slow-burning variant was rolled out. Eventually, the pungent odor of flaming engine fuel was replaced by scented favors of vanilla and cinnamon. “I’ve been told they mingle wonderfully with the vitriolic rage of an anti-globalization protest,” Aldridge reported.

All this seems to be in jeopardy now. The Beijing factories that once stamped out “Old Glory” from recycled Soviet military cots at a fat profit for their American contractors have since converted their production lines. They now help produce the Star of David-adorned Israeli flag in order to meet rising demand.

As the target of global anger begins to shift, Americans are left asking themselves “Why don’t they hate us?”

For Kathryn O’Hare, an International Studies professor at Boston University, the answer is obvious: America is losing the PR war.

“America has an image problem,” O’Hare explained. “When an Israeli artillery shell slams into a Hezbollah position and kills a group of 12-year-old children recruited as human shields, who do you expect the world to blame when the words ‘Made in the U.S.’ are not clearly visible on the shell fragments for television cameras? Every time this happens, America’s reputation abroad doesn’t suffer.”

With the American government apparently powerless to stem the receding tide of anti-Americanism, it would seem that U.S. citizens are reluctantly being forced to accept a new world order in which their historic position as a global scapegoat is increasingly challenged.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 3rd, 2006 @ 10:43 am on the category News, Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

The Wagon Newswire

As cross-border violence between Israeli Defense Forces and Hezbollah continues to erupt and Lebanese civilian casualties mount, a sharp increase in worldwide anti-Israeli demonstrations has those on Wall Street worrying.

Enraged protesters taking to the streets to burn in effigy the symbols of world powers are increasing reaching not for the old standby, the American flag, but for the flag of Israel.

Mark Johansen, the head of a major U.S. firm that tracks international trends, watched such a flag burning on television.

“It’s absolutely sickening,” Johansen said as he viewed the footage. “That used to be an American product out there, but not anymore. If you listen to the maniacal chants coming from those rampaging mobs, what are they saying now? They’re saying ‘Death to Israel!’ first, ‘Death to America!’ second. To them, the U.S. is no longer number one.”

For decades, the American flag has been a fixture of the international protest scene. Demonstrations against major military actions, cultural imperialism, and the rising cost of flammable accelerants have all been cause to see the iconic “Star Spangled Banner” lit aflame. As exhibitionist demonstrators poured into the streets to burn the flag, so too did profits pour into the coffers of American flag makers. A new market had emerged.

“America is not a nation that gives in to demands,” said Bill Aldridge, head of marketing for one of the leading U.S. flag producers, “but when protesters demand a better flag to burn, how can we not help but ablidge? The customer is always right, even when they’re radically Left.”

When clients of Aldridge raised issue with the difficulty of setting fire to normal display flags, a version of the “Stars and Stripes” soaked in a diluted kerosene mixture was introduced. After complaints were heard that the new fast-burning mixture made staged photo shoots difficult, a slow-burning variant was rolled out. Eventually, the pungent odor of flaming engine fuel was replaced by scented favors of vanilla and cinnamon. “I’ve been told they mingle wonderfully with the vitriolic rage of an anti-globalization protest,” Aldridge reported.

All this seems to be in jeopardy now. The Beijing factories that once stamped out “Old Glory” from recycled Soviet military cots at a fat profit for their American contractors have since converted their production lines. They now help produce the Star of David-adorned Israeli flag in order to meet rising demand.

As the target of global anger begins to shift, Americans are left asking themselves “Why don’t they hate us?”

For Kathryn O’Hare, an International Studies professor at Boston University, the answer is obvious: America is losing the PR war.

“America has an image problem,” O’Hare explained. “When an Israeli artillery shell slams into a Hezbollah position and kills a group of 12-year-old children recruited as human shields, who do you expect the world to blame when the words ‘Made in the U.S.’ are not clearly visible on the shell fragments for television cameras? Every time this happens, America’s reputation abroad doesn’t suffer.”

With the American government apparently powerless to stem the receding tide of anti-Americanism, it would seem that U.S. citizens are reluctantly being forced to accept a new world order in which their historic position as a global scapegoat is increasingly challenged.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 3rd, 2006 @ 10:43 am on the category News, Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.